Tips for Dealing with Difficult

People

        The key to successfully dealing with people who display difficult behaviors is in

changing the one thing you have control over—yourself. None of the techniques

for dealing with difficult behaviors relies on the difficult person changing, because

you have no control over that. Instead, focus on better managing how you

respond to that person emotionally and behaviorally. The worst case scenario is

that nothing about that person will change, but you will be able to deal with them

better by reacting more constructively. But it is also possible that as your

response to that person changes it will lead to improvement in their behavior.

Either way you come out ahead.

Change Your Thinking

Think about what their behavior costs you:

• Is the person’s behavior affecting your ability to do your job?

• Is it affecting your health?

• Is it causing you to waste a lot of time?

• Are they harming you in some other way?

The answers to these questions can help in either of two ways:

1. You may find that their behavior really isn’t impacting you in any tangible

way—it’s just annoying. You may realize that it isn’t affecting your job,

your health, or your time in any significant way other than the time you

yourself choose to dwell on it. If this is the case, you are wasting too much

emotional energy on someone who otherwise doesn’t really have much

impact on your life.

2. On the other hand, if you decide that they are affecting you in significant

ways, you will be better prepared to explain to them how their behavior

affects you. Spelling it out to them in a clear and respectful way might get

them to change.

Don’t take their behavior personally: They may have learned it in childhood,

they may not know any other way, or it may have an emotional or biological

cause. But it has nothing to do with you.

Forget about what they “should” do: It is futile to get caught up in thinking

about how someone “should” act—unless you are a manager setting policies or

performance goals. The same thing can be said about dwelling on what is “fair”

and “unfair”—it’s a waste of time and energy.

Avoid “mind-reading”: This refers to assuming that you know what the other

person is thinking, how they feel, or what motivates them. Too often you will be

wrong and it may cause misunderstandings and increased conflict.

Take an honest look at your own behavior: It may be that something in your

behavior is contributing to the problematic interactions. Carefully assess whether

this could be the case, and if so, change your role in the problem.

Change How You Act

Stop trying to get the difficult person to change: Don’t make it your mission

to get them to change their behavior—you are not that powerful. You are

powerful enough, however, to change your response to them and this can

change how they interact with you.

Model the behavior you would like to see from them: Often the worse

someone’s behavior is, the worse our own behavior becomes in response to it.

One of the most common responses to difficult behavior is to mirror it. If

someone shouts at us, our inclination is to shout back. If they are being rigid, we

are inclined to act just as stubborn. Resist the temptation to get down to their

level and instead try to act the way you would like for them to act. For example, if

you feel like raising your voice with someone who is being aggressive, try

lowering it instead. If you feel defensive, be agreeable instead. The point is that

you can influence the “dance” by changing the way you act.

Minimize unnecessary interaction with them: This is a matter of self-care.

Avoid discussing things that have been divisive in the past. Keep conversations

neutral.

Be respectful and polite: No matter how much resentment you are carrying,

don’t let it color how you treat the person. Let the past go and focus on the

present. Don’t add fuel to the fire by being rude or ill-tempered around them.

Know when to bring in a higher authority: There may be times when you

cannot resolve a problem with a difficult person in spite of doing everything

presented here, and it is affecting your work and/or emotional state. This may

warrant your discussing it with your manger or a Human Resources

representative.

"CIGNA" is a registered service mark of CIGNA Intellectual Property, Inc., licensed for use by CIGNA Corporation and its operating subsidiaries. All products and services are provided exclusively by such operating subsidiaries and not by CIGNA Corporation. Such operating subsidiaries include CIGNA Health Management, Inc., CIGNA Behavioral Health, Inc. and vielife Limited. ©2011 CIGNA

Dealing With Difficult Behaviors

8Hostile-Aggressive:

        This can take the form of overtly abusive behavior, tantrums, rage, and bullying, or it can be disguised with non-playful teasing, innuendoes, and digs.

 Listen without returning anger.

 Take unpredictable actions – become nicer as they escalate, quieter as they

become louder.

 Do not try to argue; instead focus on any point you can agree with them on –

most aggressive people will calm down if they feel someone is really listening

to what they have to say.

 Give them time to run down.

 Maintain assertive (not aggressive) posture and body language.

 State your own opinions assertively while not dismissing theirs.

Complaining:

        Chronic complaining without a desire to find a solution.

 Don’t agree, but paraphrase what they say.

 Avoid the accusation-defense-reaccusation pattern.

 Try to move to a problem-solving mode by asking them to suggest alternatives with questions like “What results are you trying to achieve?” or “How would you like to see this resolved?” Complaining tends to stop when they are put in a position of responsibility for solving the problem.

Unresponsiveness/Passivity:

        Unresponsiveness can be the result of discomfort with revealing oneself, or it can be used passive-aggressively as a way to deny someone needed information, or to avoid reprimand.

 Ask open-ended questions that require more than a yes or no response.

 Wait calmly for a response and don’t fill the silence with

conversation.

 Be attentive when they do speak or participate.

 Assign tasks rather than wait for them to volunteer.

 Ask them for their feedback/opinions in writing instead of face-to-face — sometimes unresponsiveness is due to shyness, not avoidance.

Overly-agreeable but doesn’t deliver:

        This tends to be the result of someone who wants to be liked and will make promises to gain approval, but can’t deliver on those promises.

 Do not allow them to over-commit.

 Give false deadlines.

 Make sure they are clear on rewards for following through and the consequences

for not.

 Tie personal honor into the agreement – “Do I have your word…?”

 Get it in writing – even an informal follow-up memo can prevent misunderstandings and make their verbal commitment binding.

Behavior Tactic

Opinionated/Condescending:

        Behavior that suggests that someone is always an expert (even if they aren’t) or knows best (even if they don’t).

 Acknowledge their accomplishments, show them you respect what they know.

 Bond with them on the premise that “great minds think alike.”

 Rather than negate their idea, just add yours: “That’s good – here’s what I’m

thinking.”

 Be very prepared and have all your facts when meeting.

 Question them with confidence – do not allow yourself to be intimidated.

Negative/Pessimistic:

        Tendency toward disagreeing with group consensus or regularly criticizing decisions; finds reasons why something will fail; negative opinions usually go beyond constructive criticism.

 Be assertive about your optimism.

 Don’t argue.

 Invite them to suggest alternatives.

 Beat them to the punch – anticipate and voice any possible problems before

they do, and then problem solve.

 See their negativist perspective as a valuable resource for determining possible

problems to be overcome.

 Rather than being annoyed by their inevitable negativity, actually seek it out or

make them responsible for ferreting out any potential problems. This will give

them a sense of control while also putting some boundaries around their criticism.

 Be ready with examples of past successes.

Hesitant to make a decision, won’t take initiative:

        Playing it safe to the point that they won’t “go out on a limb” and make decisions or take initiative to do things without being asked or told to.

 Give them a set of choices and offer your opinions on the pros and cons of each.

 Empower them to make decisions by pointing out that mistakes are okay and

can be used to their advantage.

 When they make a successful decision, recognize their accomplishment.

Not trustworthy:

        Sabotaging, talking negatively about others, saying one thing and doing another.

 Focus on making sure your relationships with others around you are healthy.

This way, any attempts to sabotage you will be out of alignment with others’

perceptions of you and put the backstabber into question, not you.

 Be direct with them. They have back-door motives – make sure you use the front

door. Using a calm voice tone, describe the behavior that is unacceptable to you

(stay away from judgmental terms – just state the facts) and ask that it stop. When

the behavior is brought out into the open, you take away their ability to “sneak,”

and therefore, their power.

This material is provided by CIGNA for informational/educational purposes only. It is not intended as medical/clinical advice. Only a health care professional can make a diagnosis or recommend a treatment plan. For more information about your behavioral health coverage, you can call the customer service or the behavioral health telephone number listed on your health care identification card.

""CIGNA" and the "Tree of Life" logo are a registered service mark of CIGNA Intellectual Property, Inc., licensed for use by CIGNA Corporation and its operating subsidiaries. All products and services are provided exclusively by such operating subsidiaries and not by CIGNA Corporation. Such operating subsidiaries include International Rehabilitation Associates, Inc. (Intracorp), CIGNA Behavioral Health, Inc. and vielife Limited. All models are used for illustrative purposes only. 832939 a 01/11 © 2011 CIGNA. Some content provided under license.

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